I see you ....

But you don't see me.

You're the people walking down the street, cycling through town, eating in the restaurants, drinking in the sun.

You're the people I pass by on the bus, or sitting in your car. Talking, laughing, crying, arguing.

I see you. But you don't see me. I used to be you. For one night, for 10 days, for 5 years.

I wake up and know. You wake up and don't realise.

I'm the person that you don't think of in the morning, or last thing at night. Or when things are good, or when the chips are down.

What do you think when you look at me? Nothing. What do I think when I look at you? I wish I was I was you.... At least sometimes....

Wobble

I had a wobble today. I haven't had one in ages. But when it happens it happens.

I can't describe the feeling but it is remarkably familiar to heartache. Maybe that is what it is. Grieving what I have lost, what I could have lost, and a future of what could have been.

I've done everything I could to pick myself up, move on, go forward. I've moved house, gotten a new job, signed up to online dating, erased evidence of the past and rationalised what happened. I've put it down to one of those life things that's just, well, sucks.

I feel angry as to why. Why show me the view from the mountain top and then make me come back down again? I liked it there. I was so close to going over the edge. I want to be with all the other people on that side of the mountain. Instead I'm back at the beginning, at the bottom of the mountain and it looks really far to the top that I'm not sure I'm ever going to make it again.

I know this sounds dramatic. I'm not dying...

I just feel a little dead inside. I feel robbed. I feel angry. I feel resentful, I feel bitter. Why me? What did I do? When is it my turn? Is there a god - if so why did he let this happen? Don't you think I've been through enough? (Ok slightly dramatic!!)

Everyone says my time will come. One day this will all be a terrible memory. I'll look back and pat myself on the back and say "you did it, you made it" but until then ill forgive myself the heartache and the wobbles.

Because it could have been you and instead it was me.

And just believe that what they say is true, my time will come and things will be better on that side of the mountain. 

Now is (a) Good (time)

I know this is a ciders advert but...i like it...so...

Now is a good time

When yesterday’s gone and tomorrow is near

Why look for a thing when it’s already here?

And tell me you never once asked yourself how

Some people end up in the middle of the now.

Now is the beat of the feet on the floor

Now is the then we were all waiting for

It’s the strike of the luck

It’s the go with the flow

It’s the sharing the love with the people we know.

See a wise fool once said kind of out of the blue

That life is a dream that’s already come true.

It’s the less of the what, of the where and the how

It’s more of the you, of the me and the now.

QNI

It's a Saturday night and its just me, the Sky TV, some pretzels, cheese and a bottle of wine.

It don't get much better than this.

You have got to love a Quiet Night In - wild horses couldn't drag me.....

I should be so lucky...

In a bid to make some extra cash I have signed up to this governmental survey website thing, 5000 points gets you £50. I'm currently on 2350 which has taken me 12 months to get here. My mother always did say there was no such thing as quick cash...

Anyway, seeing as I am half way there I thought I might as well carry on, it normally involves some level of amusement and random clicking...there never is a theme either, it normally starts off with a political questions ie "If an election was held tomorrow who would you vote for?" and then ends with "Did you watch last nights episode of Masterchef?"  (clearly there is a correlation that I am missing). I digress. So I'm filling out this survey and this question appears...

Which one of these do you feel POSITIVE or OPTIMISTIC about in your life at present?

1. Your health
2. Your relationship with your family
3. Your relationship with your friends
4. Your love life
5. Your job
6. Your neighbourhood
7. Your financial situation
8. The economy
9. The government
10. The world
11. All of the above
12. None of the above.

Lets go through these shall we?

1. At this rate I am on course for lung/ throat/ tongue cancer...its not good.
2. My dad had an affair with the maid and now they live together...enough said.
3. I have a few good friends and not a lot of anything else. Times have changed, everyone is going in different directions - backwards in my case.
4. What love life? Unless you count going out with a sociopath for 16 months a type of life...
5. Hate.My.Job. - Looking for a new one.
6. Thank god. I love my new neighbourhood, having been made homeless due to point 4 above.
7. Dire. Also see points 4 and 5 above - and why I'm doing survey to begin with!
8. Ask Mervyn.
9. Ask your cabbie - he always has an opinion.
10. As I say, Boston, Texas, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Swindon...the list goes on. Not to mention global warming and never ending winters ( how does that work?), horse meat in beef burgers...whatever next.
11. HAH. I wish. No really I do.
12. I even lose at being negative about everything. Bah humbug.

So after filling in the survey and with a few technical hitches along the way I sat here at my desk (at my job, which I hate) and pondered.
 
I guess I just want to know what would make me a number 11 person "I feel POSITIVE and OPTIMISTIC about all of the above". Even maybe they could have a number 13 person - "I feel POSITIVE and OPTIMISTIC about half of the above?"

What makes me so different to those other people who are happy with half the list? Is it luck? Timing? Karma? Fate? Permanent???!!!!

Or maybe I should just stop smoking, talk to my dad, make some new friends and re connect with the old ones, find a man, get a new job, make more money, solve the economic crisis, become Prime Minister, and wish for world peace. Now there's a thought!

Answers on a postcard please.

Writers Block

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Who reads this anyway???!!!!!!!!!!!

I do. I write for me.

And as I was searching for a picture of writers block a Margaret Atwood quote came up

"If I waited for perfection, I would never write a word."

And so it is. Just write, I know I have a lot to say.

Self responsibility

Someone read me a preface of a book this week which was essentially all about self responsibility. It's human nature to blame others for our feelings and actions and ultimately our lives but the book calls on you to look at yourself. Easy when she read it, I understood all of it, harder when you're in it.

Don't you ever feel that your actions are a reaction to something else someone has done or said. Isn't that what makes us human? I have feelings. Sometimes those are a result of me but sometimes they are a result of you. Why am I being self responsible when someone else isn't responsible with how I feel? I'm not sure I get it, but then again it was only the preface.

What I do know is that humans have emotions. That's what makes us one of the most successful beings on the planet. Emotions combined with intellect and the ability to think for ourselves. Then again do we? I think we think with our hearts, with our emotions and then rationalise our emotions with our intellect. That's how we come to a decision.

Until you are self responsible and rationalise my emotions with your intellect I am not sure I can do the same.