I see you ....

But you don't see me.

You're the people walking down the street, cycling through town, eating in the restaurants, drinking in the sun.

You're the people I pass by on the bus, or sitting in your car. Talking, laughing, crying, arguing.

I see you. But you don't see me. I used to be you. For one night, for 10 days, for 5 years.

I wake up and know. You wake up and don't realise.

I'm the person that you don't think of in the morning, or last thing at night. Or when things are good, or when the chips are down.

What do you think when you look at me? Nothing. What do I think when I look at you? I wish I was I was you.... At least sometimes....

Wobble

I had a wobble today. I haven't had one in ages. But when it happens it happens.

I can't describe the feeling but it is remarkably familiar to heartache. Maybe that is what it is. Grieving what I have lost, what I could have lost, and a future of what could have been.

I've done everything I could to pick myself up, move on, go forward. I've moved house, gotten a new job, signed up to online dating, erased evidence of the past and rationalised what happened. I've put it down to one of those life things that's just, well, sucks.

I feel angry as to why. Why show me the view from the mountain top and then make me come back down again? I liked it there. I was so close to going over the edge. I want to be with all the other people on that side of the mountain. Instead I'm back at the beginning, at the bottom of the mountain and it looks really far to the top that I'm not sure I'm ever going to make it again.

I know this sounds dramatic. I'm not dying...

I just feel a little dead inside. I feel robbed. I feel angry. I feel resentful, I feel bitter. Why me? What did I do? When is it my turn? Is there a god - if so why did he let this happen? Don't you think I've been through enough? (Ok slightly dramatic!!)

Everyone says my time will come. One day this will all be a terrible memory. I'll look back and pat myself on the back and say "you did it, you made it" but until then ill forgive myself the heartache and the wobbles.

Because it could have been you and instead it was me.

And just believe that what they say is true, my time will come and things will be better on that side of the mountain.