For you ...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

See!!! Now you cant be "agg" at me anymore :-)

xxxx

Time flies when you're having fun

 And dont we know it - the weekends disappear and before you know it it is Monday morning and you're off to work again counting down the days until its Friday again.

The opposite is true when you are not having fun - doesnt time just drag on and on and onnnnn. Its only been a week since everything has happened. I went away for a few days which did me the world of good, but coming back home was never going to be easy. My bag of stuff that was at his is now sitting in a pile on the living room floor and no matter how much I wish it wasnt there it still is!

I still havent cried, which for me is weird - I cry in X factor, Holby City, Xtreme Makeover - The Home Edition - literally anything!!! - but still no tears. I think really I knew it wasnt right and it was only a matter of time. Plus its not the breaking up with someone that is the only thing you lose, its the life you had with them, the friends you made, the places you went to - both people and places I am avoiding like the plague. I even cancelled my beloved FB account, all I need now to do is to move house, get a new number and change jobs and any existence of that "me" will be erased! But its really the small things that I have missed, the good morning phone call and the kiss goodnight, the warm body in bed next to me and the smell of someone sleeping.

I arrived yesterday at the airport and called up all my friends to tell them that I had - of course they all said they were glad to be back, but that wasnt why I called - it was just a confirmation to myself that I wasnt a ghost just wandering along aimlessly, that in fact I was real and that somebody knew about it.

Another aspect about time is the " this time last week/ month/ year" syndrome. This time last year I went to HK for a good friends wedding, he came over too and we had quite possibly the best holiday ever, we laughed all the time, we called ourselves Team Smug, cos thats what it felt like and I never imagined things would change. This time last month we had recently been to another wedding in London where he got so drunk ( in a funny way) he told one of my friends how much he loved me ( hard to believe now I know) and that he was my disciple - hmmmmm, v odd. He offended Dabiel from the X factor who was in the wedding band and called the best man gay on our way home. And then he needed the toilet. You were right the Waldorf  wasnt part of the plan! This time last week I was still in shock - it had to be a nightmare, please wake me up and tell me everything is going to be ok. Just like before....

And today...Im fine - I accept it is over and I know he wasnt the one for me, I tried to convince myself for a long time he was - but really he wasn't. He was great in so many ways, we had so much fun together but we were just too different and both of us found it hard to look at it from the other side of the river. My feelings were dismissed as not being true - but to me they were very real. So instead I bottled them up, tried to let them go when all I wanted to do was to talk about them...resulting in volcanic eruptions.

Of course you cant forget straight away, the memories are always the hardest. But just as time flies when you're having fun, time is also a healer and who knows what is around the corner.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

And there we have it folks. Breaking up is hard to do - not that the decision was really in my hands but there we go. Love number 3, done and dusted. The funny thing is ( not that this is a laughing matter) is that I understand why - in fact if I was he, I wouldnt have even lasted this long. Baggage, insecurities, self confidence issues are not, and I repeat NOT, the best way to sell youreslf in a relationship and at the end of the day if you cant handle them then nobody else can either. Everybody has issues, Im not a special case, but its the way you handle your issues which is the deal breaker. In all honesty, it got to the point that I just wanted him to fix them to make them all go away which inadvertedly meant fixing me. But the only person who can fix you is yourself. Someone once told me that a relationship should only add to you, it shouldnt become you but as I became more complacent I forgot this and I was looking for somone to be my 0.5 to me 0.5, when really they should have been my 0.5 to my 1.0. And heres not forgetting that complacency breeds contempt. All easily said and done in hindisight, and if i could turn that clock back just 48 hours I probably wouldn't be here, but the reality is that I am. For myself - I need to sort my own stuff out instead of expecting others to. For the rest of you - take a look at what you have. You dont know what you've lost til its gone.

Maid of Dishonour

So the big day has finally arrived. Saturday is the day when one of my oldest and closest friends is tying the knot. Its been a whirlwind romance, 2 months after they met they moved in together, four months after that they decided to quit their lives in London for new adventures abroad in India and Thailand and after a trying their hands out in yoga, travel writing and photography came back home. All in all its been about 18 months since they day they met til the day of their wedding. For many looking on this may seem too quick perhaps - but for them, it is just right. While they were away I had an email asking me to be Maid of Honour, "why yes of course," I said. And whilst overjoyed for the happy couple didn't quite compute what it was they were asking of me. Sure, I'll be there on the day to help carry your train, stay with you the night before, organise your hen....the Maid of Honour doesnt need to make any speeches ( pheeeeeeew) -no pressure, easy!

In the last few weeks however I realised that a MoH is so much more. On a practical level I had no idea how much went on behind the scenes to organise a wedding, working in event management wasnt really a bonus as this was all so alien to me - the colours of the sashes on the chairs, table names to reflect something important to thhe bride and groom, party favours....the list went on and on. Yes I did the usual MoH duties - a night out in London for the Hen, buying the garter and something blue for the bride, liaising with the Best Man about the running of the day, dress fittings, shoe fittings, hair and make up....these were the norm.

But actually, being the MoH is so much more. What is supposed to be the most important day for the  Bride was rapidly becoming one of the most important days for me too. When she was stressed I was supposed to be there to take it away, when she was sad I had to cheer her up and tell her everything was going to be ok, having a fat day required reaassurance that she was going to be the most beautiful bride ever. Not to say any of this is easy, it wasnt and we had a few fallings out along the way. The boyfriend who is ever so wise, reminded me that weddings are essentially selfish things - in an unintentional way of course - and told me that I would be exactly the same, if not worse because on ones wedding day you want everything to be PERFECT.  And I get that. I want everything to be perfect every day, so god knows what I would be like on my wedding day.

More than anything being her MoH has been indeed, as the name suggests - an Honour and I am so proud to walk behind her down the aisle and be there for her on this her most special day. For the rest of our lives when we look at photos from the wedding, there I will be next to her, on the day of the wedding I will be introduced as her MoH. I hope I do her proud - just as I am so proud to have been asked. So if anyone asks you to be MoH just to let you know it is not light work, emotionally and physically ( if writing name places is seen as serious physical exertion) but it is without doubt one of the most rewarding, priveledged and complimentary positions of responsibility I have truly ever had.

So if you are reading this, Thank you for asking me, it was an absolute pleasure . Love you. xxx