So this is Christmas

With only a few days to go Christmas has come around once more.

Although this year it has taken me a little longer to get that Christmas feeling.

It has snowed (on more than one occasion), I have a tree with presents underneath, had at least a few too many glasses of mulled wine, not to mention the obligatory office Christmas party yet something isnt quite right.

Could it be the family havoc that has descended upon my flat in the past few weeks? The emotional rollercoaster that I have had to endure, not to mention the loss and disappointment of someone so special to me. Why, when all the adverts on TV sing out happy songs of love and family fun, my living room reflects the exact opposite?

Still, I am not the only one and need to remind myself of this. At least I have my family around me when in actual fact so many dont. They either live halfway across the world, or in some cases dont even have one. And most importantly what I have come to realise is that who needs family when you have friends. You dont choose your family, but you do pick your friends and I dont want to boast, but mine are amazing. I have been bombarded with love and kindness from so many people. People who I didnt even expect it from, old friends, new friends, lost friends and now re found friends.

I think Euripides said it best when he said " One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives" (408 B.C.)

So, I may not have that Christmas feeling but that's seasonal. What I have discovered is that I have a lot more, so whilst sometimes its hard to see the wood for the trees, or that light at the end of the tunnel there is always a silver lining.

Merry Christmas to you, my friends, wishing you only happiness, love and laughter for the year 2010.

I hate love

I read this a few years ago and I wrote it in my diary to remind me what it felt like. After the event, when you're finally "over it" you dont remember the actual feeling, but you do remember it was something terrible that you hope never happens to you again.

Heres hoping for that next time that this is the last time I have to remind myself.

Have you even been in love ?

Horrible, isn't it ?

It makes you so vulnerable

It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up

You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armour, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life .... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination; not just in the mind, it's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.