Just because.....

I'm not sure if its too much Greys Anatomy, too much Sex and the City, too much TV full stop that's made me think about my blog and therefore my life ( in that order yes!) but here goes.
I still hurt, i still cry, i have these memories that don't want to fade, regrets, actions, and this i wished i should have said or done. But this isn't a TV programme, i cant press the rewind button and make those things better, i cant press fast forward and see how things are going to turn out, but every second i punish myself about it anyway. What could I have done or said better? I'm only human after all and i can only do what i do that i think feels right at that moment but it doesn't mean that I'm right after all.
So here I am,  a blog no one reads, least of all the people i want to read it but I'm saying it anyway...

To the one i promised - always, forever, infinity and beyond - I'm sorry. I guess i wasn't that person after all. I know that you're happy now with someone who could and actually I'm jealous and i wish i could have. Selfishly of course as i know you would have been good to me for all those times but for whatever reason, you just weren't enough. Now that I'm older and wiser,  I wonder if i had put my selfish wants and needs to rest would and ended up on the path we chose together would I be one of the ones that now i looks so jealously upon and wish I was one of. 

To the one i thought who represented everything that always, forever and infinity didn't. You were nothing in the grand scale. You taught me a few things, but really nothing that touched my soul. And when i thought i was mourning for you, I wasn't, i was mourning for what i had with someone else and i pushed all of my expectations of him on you.

The last, the most recent - I know I will get over you, but it never easy. I found your pictures today, the montage you made me of all the things we had done, and we were so happy. But then it was up to me. And i see this now, i wasn't ready. Any man would have given up a long time before, but thank you for trying. At the end, you couldn't breathe for me - i had to do that myself and that was the best and worst thing that ever happened. Even though we don't speak, even though you don't know anything about me anymore I will always remember and think about you. I wonder if you still think about me.

To all the people i have hurt along the way - i didn't mean to. I hope you know that, but i didn't know it either at the time. Ive just been trying to fill a space in my heart. As always hindsight brings clarity and i realise i have been reckless with your feelings. Find someone else. You deserve better.

To my friends -  some of you know this. Some of you let me sit there and cry - One way or another you always pick me up even though there are only been a few of you that I could say who have really been there.

There are others who think they have been there - but really you weren't.

Because even though its Christmas,and even though this is when you are supposed to say what you think, there are some things better left unsaid. I used to say that if you want to you will but that doesn't mean you should. Sometimes the truth hurts too much.

But in the safety of my blog I will say one thing, I still care about you, and I'm not sure if i will ever feel the same way i did about you for anyone else, But I will never tell you because you re not mine to tell anymore, but i hope you are well and happy and i will always be here for you.

21st December 2010

Today is the 21st December 2010. In a few days time it will be Christmas day and a week after that it will be 1st January 2011.

How time flies and yet at the same time how slowly it has past.

I'm not even going to write anything profound about time. I think we all get it -  It passes one way or another, whether we like it or not.

Instead I'm going to write something as equally unprofound about right now. This very moment, as after all that's all I have right now.

At this very moment I am in fact at work. I am in fact not working ( obviously!), but writing my neglected blog. At this very moment, I am content with my lot. At this very moment I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved in the last 12 months. At this very moment I am fairly indifferent about Christmas,(but I certainly have an opinion about the snow!) At this very moment I am very sure of who I am, what I want and where I would like to be going. And right now that's enough for me.

No grand gestures, no sweeping statements, no promises to do things next year that I cant keep. I'm just going to keep up with the here and now. With each day and make each decision as it comes, whilst keeping my feet firmly balanced and building upon on this foundation that has taken me so long to realise.

foun·da·tion   /faʊnˈdeɪʃən/



[foun-dey-shuhn]

–noun


1. the basis or groundwork of anything: the moral foundation of both society and religion.

A chink in my armour

Im not quite sure what it is. But recently I've felt that something is missing....waking up every morning, its getting colder, the days are getting shorter and darker and there is that particular smell in the air. You know it. The leaves are falling, the TV typically is getting better (its stay at home TV), soup and salad arent really doing it anymore and sausage and mash seem much more appealing - sadly with the accompanying tummy rolls!
Ive looked back at the last few months, climbing Kilimanjaro and falling in love with Africa, starting a new job, going to NYC for a decadent long weekend, rocking the Kasbah in Marrakech and so much more between,  in fact a lot of men in between ( not like that!)....and everythings been great. But here's the chink in my armour. All this fun, all these fantastic experiences, all these months of being a steel magnolia I wouldn't mind having a bit of fragility, being a delicate fragrant Jasmine. These cold autumn nights make me want a snuggle, a nice warm snuggle. With just one man.

The Simple Things

I dont know why, but recently as Ive been going about my business I've started categorising things in my head and become quite vehement about things I like (which more often than not seem to be the simple things!)  and things I dont like...no no, in fact things I hate. A lot.

So I may add to this over time but thought I would make a start before I forgot....

In no particular order

I like...

1. Sheeps
2. Picking up stones from places I have been to
3. Mr Whippy ice cream
4.Sky + (how did I live without it???)
5. That smug gym feeling
6. Singing :-)
7. My pearls
8. The number 8. (and 18, and 9, and well any number but 3 and 4 and 13 and 14...)
9. Frangi Pani's
10.Walking around with my Ipod and seeing the world as if it were a music video
11. Weddings - blub!
12. The mayonnaise test ;-)
13. Edward ( or Mr Cullen to you)

I don't like, no not one little bit

1. Wet wood - wet wooden spoons to be exact
2. Snakes
3. The bus being late
4. Cigarettes
5. Take off, landing and the bit in between - eeek!
6. Men with long nails.
7. Men who wear belts with their suits.
8. Men with bad teeth.
9. The potential I have for Action Tourettes
10. My calves
11. When there is NOTHING on TV even though I have hundreds of channels with Sky - how is that possible?
12. Olives, anchovies and cous cous.
13. Bella Swan

To be continued....

Another one from my to do list

I'm not sure I mentioned ( which is surprising as I manage to drop this into practically ever conversation I have now) that I am climbing Kilimanjaro in exactly 9 days time.


That's right folks 9 DAYs. I'm not sure why I haven't mentioned it before, possibly denial, in fact most definitely denial.

What possessed me? Well a number of things really. And yes before I go on, to all of you who have already done it or know someone else who did it and said it was a piece of cake, it isn't that much of a big deal blah blah blah...BUT to me it is, so let me indulge.

January time, as advised by the wonderful Claudine, she suggested doing that I do something for me. She was talking along the lines of joining a dance class, maybe some pottery, learning to play the piano, a solo holiday perhaps - that kind of thing. Something that I wouldn't normally do, something that stretched me that little bit further, something to aim for. And all of those suggestions are absolutely valid and things that I would love to do ( maybe not dancing or pottery). And then it came to me, I remembered watching Cheryl Cole and Chris Moyles et al climb Kilimanjaro for Comic Relief on TV and feeling massively inspired.....I even distinctly recall saying to the boy that this was something that we should do next year....anyway, fast forward to this year, minus one boy (in both mine and Cheryl's case) and we got ourselves a challenge - in my case I have named it, " If Cheryl can do it, so can I!"

So there we have it.

Am I prepared? Not in the slightest. Mentally, not really, still cant believe I am doing this. And did I mention doing it with a whole bunch of people I have never met? What if they don't like me, what if I don't like them, who's hand am I going to hold on the plane...all of these not so pleasant thoughts!

What about physically? Not as much as I would have liked, in fact no, not at all.

I am hanging onto the words of the wise ones who have already completed saying it was a doddle, and that its only really the altitude and not your fitness. I'm lapping up the statistics that male 20-30 year olds are the ones most likely to fail as they charge up the mountain and 65+ year olds have very high success rates. I'm counting on the fact that I am half Chinese and thus may have some related genes to those Tibetan inhabitants who handle the altitude, and that maybe, just maybe the glory days of winning the Macdonald Cup aged 12 is enough to mean that my lung capacity is still big enough to cope with the battle ahead.

If all else fails, I am going to try and look my bestest as is possible whilst getting up that bloody mountain....I was in fact tossing and turning in bed last night as to which of my lucky necklaces I should wear and then decided that I would wear all of them at the same time to increase my chances.

So, with just over a week to go I had better continue and ramp it up a little.

Think of me on 29th August aka summit day and hopefully all of the above wont matter.

My so called single life

With only a few days before the elections divisions are being drawn. Labour, conservative and the liberal democrats. The left the right and the kind of middle. But that's ok, that's politics, that's how its supposed to happen.

So why do i feel that in my current single situation lines are also being made. Its beginning to feel like a battle between the haves and the have nots. The haves as in have a "Boyfriend or Husband" (BoH/ pronounced Beaus) and the have nots, ie the singletons, ie me.

As more and more of my friends are getting married, or increasingly serious in their relationships the number of single people are fewer and fewer. Now don't get me wrong, I don't resent the haves and their beaus, I am quite positively happy for them as I know that mine will come along too, what I am bothered about is the obvious separation between the two.

Since when did dinner parties become couples only? Weekends away? invites for drinks? Ok yes, admittedly I cant really join in on conversations revolving around the colour of the curtains, mortgages, or how i am jealous of Beaus PA but that doesn't mean I should be excluded - I could still try and give my opinion, it just might not be very informed as I'm not there yet!

Some friends when they meet their other half you don't see ever, or only when Beau is attached to their lips, some friends you don't see Beau for at least a year that you begin to doubt if he actually really does exist, and some friends keep a happy balance between the two. If I'm honest I know I probably spent too much time with my exes friends and integrating in his circle that we didn't do enough in mine. But we still had dinner parties with single people, in fact we were quite pro at hoping to match make our single friends from each side, we still went out with single friends, we even went on holiday with a whole load of single people because fundamentally single or not - these people were my friends.

And that is what bothers me about this situation. Am I a better person if I am with someone else - no? Does it make me more interesting? More sociable? I hope not. Sure they add to you ( providing hes not a boring know it all loud mouth) but he shouldn't dominate your rankings on the social calendar.

My single friends, I promise you when I meet my Beau I will remember this and remember you. You will still be invited to my dinner parties and drinks. We will still go out - without any lip attachments , I may moan to you about my mortgage or the quality of Beaus DIY skills yet I wont presume you wont know anything about it and i wont go on about it either. I will probably more interested in your stories and adventures of the single life anyway!

As for the haves out there - don't forget your single friend, you might be at different stages in life but you have shared a history that runs deeper than wallpaper colours. And who knows, you might even have another single friend who might like your single friend and get together, and then if you persist on having couples dinner parties they too can be on the guest list.

Forget party politics, social ones aren't that easy either! Rant over for a Wednesday, I am going to go out with my single friend and enjoy what time we have being young free and single in 2010.

Waiting for something to happen

I haven't forgotten. In fact its been weighing heavily on my mind, when I started this blog i was determined to keep it going , writing regularly about things I was doing and experiencing. And that’s just it, I've been waiting for something to happen so that I can write about it but nothing has happened.

Instead the last few weeks and months I have been trying to think of something that was remotely interesting to write about but still nothing....my mind has been blank. No enlightening moments, no thunderbolt meetings, no inspirational eureka moments.

And there it was. Here was my subject.

In the first couple of months as a newly single person my days, nights and weekends were fun filled and packed. I've been on 2 holidays, booked one major holiday, moved out, been back at the gym, given, up smoking and attempted to eat healthier.

This was my effort, everybody telling you to get out there, keep busy, and get on with it, put in the hard graft they said and before you know it you'll be onto bigger and better things. But despite all these promises and doing exactly what had been recommended the awaited prize was yet to materialise.

My awaited prize was yet to materialise errrrr.....wtf? But that is exactly what I had been thinking. For the past couple of weeks I have been waiting for some sort of miracle, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and actually believed that I was owed it!

Reality check - I am not owed anything. What I get out is equal to exactly what I put in, it’s a simple equation. Effort is required 100% of the time and nothing less. This isn’t "The Secret" or even a secret, it’s just life. You can’t just believe something will happen; you have to make it happen - we are our own vehicles for change.

You want to quit smoking - just stop smoking. You want to lose weight - eat less. Earn more money - get a new job, study more. The list is endless but at the end of the day it is all down to one person. You. Or in this case me. And results are not instantaneous, there is no such thing as instant gratification. Modern society perpetuates a quick fix attitude.

In fact, I’m not going to beat myself up about this - I have been putting in the effort, I am doing so every day,  it is becoming second nature. Big changes have been made, and big changes are on the brink of happening - so what if nothing extraordinary has happened, life is full of ups and downs yes, but its also full of just normal regular days.

And normal days are good too, without normal days you don’t really understand the highs and lows. So I’m not going to panic anymore about "nothing happening" - things happen as long as I make them happen and as long as I continue to try then who knows what's around the corner. But what I am really trying to say ( in a very long winded way) is don’t just expect things to happen and if they don’t, it’s ok, normal days are just as important, and they are most definitely worth writing about.

Dog in a suitcase

So there I was on the train into Waterloo today minding my own business, in my own world and having a bit of a think...the week had been slightly topsy turvey but nothing I couldnt handle. I was listening to my new album of the 2010, Florence and the Machine (amazing, go buy!) and these two women step onto the train.

One was like an Asian Jordan, a bit older, but dressed a bit younger, and her friend was pretty similar. It was only 12:30pm and they were already talking about vodka and Primani - the kind of girls you could definitely have fun night out with, attracted attention wherever they went. Anyway the train was pretty full and despite having volume at slightly borderline antisocial levels I could hear their conversation pretty well.

It went something like this...

Jordan Wannabe (JW): So have I told you about the dog?

Jordan Wannabe Friend (JWF) : Errrr no? What dog?

JW: So my friend was looking after so and sos dog while they were away in America on holiday, anyway I got this phone call from her

" The dog has died on me,  i dont know what to do"

JW advised her to call the vet....so she calls the vet

"I think my friends dog has died,  I am supposed to be looking after it, what do I do?"

Vet advises her to take (dead) dog into vet just to make sure

" But I dont have a car" she says. JW wisely advises her to put dog in suitcase and take the tube

 So Dog Girl puts dog into suitcase and takes her onto tube to vet. As most of you Londoners know the tube is not very accessible for wheelchairs let alone suitcases particularly when using the escalators and stairs. Luckily for DG a kind man offers to take suitcase for her.

"What you got in this bag then, a dead body? Its bloody heavy..."

At which dog girl replies cos she cant think of anything else

" Errrrr no, laptops"

At which point kind man promptly does a runner, with suitcase with dead dog.

Amazing.

Imagine being the friend coming back from America and explaining that the dog they left in your care a) died and b) got stolen on th way to the vet ( already dead)

and lastly, imagine being the guy who opened the suitcase expecting lap tops and all he got was a dog (dead) in a suitcase.

Had a smile on my face the rest of the day. Love it.

The Y word

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, whilst I am not the biggest advocate of this statement I get the principles behind it...there is nothing wrong with a bit of attention, an ego stroke and someone to exchange flirty emails and texts with.

Before I begin, let it be noted that not all of this has happened since the new year but seeing as it is a new year I thought I might as well talk about one of my resolutions - always say "yes"

1) Mr Best Friend ( male) - The first in my mission to say yes. We've been best friends for years, we've had our ups and downs, gone months without seeing each other but shamelessly flirting has always been a part of it. Thankfully we are still best friends, it stopped at the kissing stage, and it wasnt awkward at all. In fact it was lovely. But just friends, just as it should be and never ever EVER to happen again.

2) Mr Perfect (ish) - in so many ways. If he had a dating CV he would tick all the boxes - cute, charming, sincere, generous, emotional, sensible and understanding. But I just didnt fancy him. I tried the "lets just be friends" trick - dont think it went down too well.

3) Mr Darcy meets Daniel Cleaver -Physically attractive, massively fun, great banter and probably the most intelligent guy I have ever met. Luckily for both of us we are emotionally uninvolved and he is totally unsuitable. Fine for now.

4) Mr New Years Eve - well, I cant remember much but you cant have New Years Eve without a New Years kiss, can you? A friend of a friend, met him half a dozen times before and there is absolutely nothing     " there" - but then again with the lubricant of alcohol you can certainly think there is, plus he is goddam gorgeous and quite amusing..so no complaints there...

And there we have it folks...all encounters have been above board, but certainly New Years resolution in action.

Dont say no, say yes, at least to giving things a go.

Bring on 2010!