I'm not sure if its too much Greys Anatomy, too much Sex and the City, too much TV full stop that's made me think about my blog and therefore my life ( in that order yes!) but here goes.
I still hurt, i still cry, i have these memories that don't want to fade, regrets, actions, and this i wished i should have said or done. But this isn't a TV programme, i cant press the rewind button and make those things better, i cant press fast forward and see how things are going to turn out, but every second i punish myself about it anyway. What could I have done or said better? I'm only human after all and i can only do what i do that i think feels right at that moment but it doesn't mean that I'm right after all.
So here I am, a blog no one reads, least of all the people i want to read it but I'm saying it anyway...
To the one i promised - always, forever, infinity and beyond - I'm sorry. I guess i wasn't that person after all. I know that you're happy now with someone who could and actually I'm jealous and i wish i could have. Selfishly of course as i know you would have been good to me for all those times but for whatever reason, you just weren't enough. Now that I'm older and wiser, I wonder if i had put my selfish wants and needs to rest would and ended up on the path we chose together would I be one of the ones that now i looks so jealously upon and wish I was one of.
To the one i thought who represented everything that always, forever and infinity didn't. You were nothing in the grand scale. You taught me a few things, but really nothing that touched my soul. And when i thought i was mourning for you, I wasn't, i was mourning for what i had with someone else and i pushed all of my expectations of him on you.
The last, the most recent - I know I will get over you, but it never easy. I found your pictures today, the montage you made me of all the things we had done, and we were so happy. But then it was up to me. And i see this now, i wasn't ready. Any man would have given up a long time before, but thank you for trying. At the end, you couldn't breathe for me - i had to do that myself and that was the best and worst thing that ever happened. Even though we don't speak, even though you don't know anything about me anymore I will always remember and think about you. I wonder if you still think about me.
To all the people i have hurt along the way - i didn't mean to. I hope you know that, but i didn't know it either at the time. Ive just been trying to fill a space in my heart. As always hindsight brings clarity and i realise i have been reckless with your feelings. Find someone else. You deserve better.
To my friends - some of you know this. Some of you let me sit there and cry - One way or another you always pick me up even though there are only been a few of you that I could say who have really been there.
There are others who think they have been there - but really you weren't.
Because even though its Christmas,and even though this is when you are supposed to say what you think, there are some things better left unsaid. I used to say that if you want to you will but that doesn't mean you should. Sometimes the truth hurts too much.
But in the safety of my blog I will say one thing, I still care about you, and I'm not sure if i will ever feel the same way i did about you for anyone else, But I will never tell you because you re not mine to tell anymore, but i hope you are well and happy and i will always be here for you.
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