Further to last posting, I have successfully managed to show my boyfriend that I am still incapable of any normal, rational behaviour by getting ridiculously drunk ( no idea how I got to bed last night) and being completely unreasonable, stand offish and generally attacking. Why? Well he certainly had no idea why either..
It all started with a few drinks after work over supper with some girlfriends - one of them just moved in with her boyfriend last weekend, the other going on amazing dates and being generally spoilt and loving it. Then the conversation turns to me
How are things going with you guys?
Fiiiiiiiiiiine
How long have you two been together for?
20 months or so
Nearly 2 years, thats aaaaaaaaaaages
Not really.......
So are you guys moving in together?
No no, not moving in, hes not ready
Oh. Dont you see each other pretty much every day? Whats the difference? Is he a commitent phobe?
And there we had it. The C word. If anyone asked me Id say no. He's not a commitent phobe at all. OK so he doesnt want to move in. He has a great flat, great location, fab house mates, if I lived there I wouldnt want to leave either. And fundamentally the pull of living with me, aka his girlfriend is not that strong. I know that things change when you start living together, excitement levels fall and you start seeing each others bad habits for what they are ( and I know I have plenty) But is it lack of commitment why he doesnt want to? When asked he said he's not ready. Im not even sure why but reasonable arguments would be
- Why rush
- What does moving in together means - doesnt mean extra "quality time"
- Just because others are doing it doesnt mean that we should
All reasonable arguments. but do I think of any of these things before I get into a tizz-wozz? No. I manage to convince myself that in fact he's just not ready to have a girlfriend like me,he doesnt want to move in, doesnt want to settle down, his friends are more important than I am, we dont even talk about the future in a serious way so is probably just going through the motions before he dumps me. Eeeeeek. So what happens? Barriers. Come. Right. Up. I get defensive. Everything he says is a personal attack. Dont touch me! This isnt working - alert - alert - I cant do this anymore - alert - alert - maybe we should break up. RED BUTTON.
I woke up this morning, after having had this outburst and was suddenly very conscious of my actions and then I realised he was there sleeping next to me. Ok phew. Ok panic. What have I done? Flashes of last night cross my mind, what I had said, how I behaved. More panic. Somehow he wakes up, can tell I am panicking and we talk. At 6:00am after a few hours sleep we talk. We talk about moving in and why hes not ready, we talk about quality time together, we talk about our friends:us balance, we talk about commitment.
Embarrassed and disappointed by my own actions I can only apologise and it gets me thinking. If he was a commitment phobe he would have let me press the red button - he would have left me by now and could have months back when this all first started happening. I dont know why but whenever anything goes wrong, or when it doesnt go to my plan I am the first to give up. I'm scared he'll hurt me so I push him thinking he probably will so why not now. I press every imgainable button possible because I am too scared to face the truth that I love him with all my heart. And because I am so scared about losing him I push him away so that he cant hurt me, I start arguments to back up my feelings, I dont let him in and then I distance myself from him in the vague hope of lessening the pain when it finally does happen. No wonder he doesnt want to live with me. And then it dawns on me. He's not the commitment phobe. Its me
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